When A Loved One’s Desperation Turns To Thoughts of Suicide

by Kristy Cobillas, MEd, PLPC

Recent statistics reflect the sad truth of the desperation many swim in today; on a daily basis, 105 suicides are completed in the United States and for every completion, approximately 25 attempts are made.

Thanatos is a word taken from a figure in Greek mythology, and coined by Freud to describe a death or destructive impulse. This impulse often surfaces and beckons the grieving and disgraced, the desperate and the pained. The desire to end ongoing suffering can lead one into such a dark place that this impulsive act seems as though it is the only way out.  Most do not really wish to die as they vacillate between deciding to brave the next morning and wanting to disappear. A mere drop of hope that tomorrow might look different is often all it takes to dislodge them from despair.

In order to better recognize a serious issue in someone you know, here are some indicators that are typical of those contemplating suicide:

• They may talk about suicide; it is a myth that those who talk about suicide won’t do it.
• Most likely, they will express that they feel hopeless or trapped.
• They may be drawn to macabre works of poetry, songs, art, stories, and jokes about death. This needs to be taken seriously. In the words of Geoffrey Chaucer: “many a true word is said in jest.”
• They might give away personal items and make unexpected or unusual visits to family and friends.
• They may have experienced a recent substantial loss.
• They may withdraw from usual activities.
• They are at higher risk for repeated, more lethal attempts if they have a history of suicide attempts .

What to do when you encounter someone struggling with that level of pain:

• Verbalize that you care, and that the person is not alone.
• LISTEN!  Allow them to say whatever they need to say whether it’s negative or not; this process of unloading is necessary. Affirm that you hear them and reflect their feelings back to them. Don’t offer ways to fix their problems, give advice, or make them feel that they have to justify their feelings.
• Don’t be judgmental, lecture, or argue with them.
• Don’t promise confidentiality.
• Offer hope; let them know that help is available and that their suicidal feelings are transient.
• When voicing your concern, frame it around the idea of safety; ask “what can we do to make sure we can keep you safe?”
• Don’t say they’re just doing it for attention; all suicidal threats must be taken seriously.
• It is necessary to be straightforward and specifically ask “Are you having suicidal thoughts?” This does not put the idea in their head; it shows that you are concerned and that you take them seriously.

There are times when more direct action is warranted. Here’s how to intervene:

• It’s necessary to measure the severity of the risk. Do they have a plan, the means, a specific time, and intention for killing themselves?
• Remove the means if possible.
• Make a safety plan; list five things that they will do before they kill themselves.
  • Example: call my friend, call the life crisis hotline (314-647-4357), go to the emergency room, etc.
• Have them secure a place to stay with a close friend or relative.
• If it becomes clear that they are still suicidal, call the police or an ambulance.
• If they are using drugs or alcohol, the risk is elevated, due to blocked inhibitions.  Additionally, alcohol and many drugs are depressants.

What to do when the crisis is over:

• Offer ongoing help and support. Proverbs 17:17 says that a friend loves at all times, and a brother is there for times of trouble.
• Refer them to a qualified counselor.
• Hold them accountable for follow up treatment and medication.

The world can be a dark and painful place.  No one is exempt from feelings of desperation. Anyone is susceptible to the lure of escapism if given the right circumstances; therefore, compassion, not shame, is the response to the soul’s cry for relief.  It is not God’s will that one be tormented with such ongoing anguish.  Jesus said that He comes and to gives us life and that His grace will sustain us. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy; He wants you alone and isolated in your pain. This need not be. If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal ideation, know that there is hope.  Help is available. Please call 314-994-9344 to contact one of our compassionate, qualified counselors at Agape.

About the Author

Kristy Cobillas, PLPC at Agape Christian Counseling, has been married for 24 years to her husband Tim, and is co-founder of The Joshua House, a non-denominational church community and 501c3 organization. Click on the picture to the left to read her bio.