Helping Children When They Are Upset

By Carolyn Knarr, MSW, LCSW, Director of Child Therapeutic Services

One of the most important parenting skills is helping children learn to calm down when they are upset. A child can go from calm to out of control in  five seconds or less! The more escalated the child’s emotions and behavior are, the more calm the adult needs to be. Responding with a lecture or with more intensity will quickly create a power struggle.

When a child is “having a meltdown,” he* isn’t thinking with his frontal cortex, which is the rational, problem-solving part of his brain. He is responding with his amygdala, which is the emotional, fight or flight part of the brain. When he is upset, he isn’t in the frame of mind to figure out his problems. He can’t see anyone else’s point of view. And he can’t listen to very many words.

So, the first question is: How do you calm down a screaming, acting out child? Start by saying to him, “You need to calm down. Then we can figure this out.” Guide him to a different location. Some children do better when their parents sit with them. Others need to be left alone. Don’t be upset with him. This won’t help. Even if he is screaming at you, don’t respond with yelling or a harsh voice.  This is not the time for many words, nor is it the time to give punishment.

The next question is: How do YOU stay calm? Remember that he is a little person with very big emotions. It takes time and practice to learn to handle them appropriately. Take a few slow, deep breaths. Walk away if you need to do that. Tell him to put on his coat and go for a walk with you. (It’s amazing how quickly kids can get it together if they think you are leaving). The only thing you need to focus on is helping both him and you calm down.

After everyone is feeling more like themselves, you will need to talk with him about what he did wrong and what he needs to do differently. If possible, make him “do it over” the right way by saying different words or expressing himself more appropriately. Teaching involves practice, and many parents leave out this crucial step. Explain that he will have consequences for his actions to help him understand that bad choices have consequences. Then tell him what the consequences will be.

*I have chosen to use the words “he” and “him,” but, of course, we all understand that girls need to learn to be calm, too.

You can find more help with parenting by reading The Christian Parenting Handbook by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller.

Next month:  How to Choose Consequences

About the Author:

Carolyn Knarr earned her Master’s Degree from Washington University, and has been counseling for over 20 years. She is a member of the National Association of Social Workers, and is a licensed clinical social worker.

Carolyn has a strong background in working with children and adolescents with ADHD, attachment disorder, trauma, bipolar disorder, and Asperger’s. She works closely with their families to help them with the emotional and behavioral aspects of these disorders. She utilizes play therapy, family therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy, and is qualified to do psychological assessments with children. Carolyn also sees adult clients, couples, and families.

Through counseling, Carolyn helps her clients look at past and present relationship issues, communication patterns, and the potential for healing and growth.