Helicopter Mode: Who’s It For… Really?

When we love and are committed to our family members, we want to ensure their success and happiness. It’s natural at times, however, that we may feel responsible, or be made to feel responsible, for the failures or unhappiness of those we love. This can include both our children and our spouse. Feelings of responsibility for another person’s emotions and behaviors can drive us into guilt, which may challenge our own personal boundaries. Before you know it, we might be climbing into the rescue helicopter and dialing the automatic pilot to the “No Boundaries Mode” so that we are always emotionally available to the other person.

Now don’t get me wrong. Being emotionally available is a good thing. It’s just that it’s easy for healthy boundaries to become thin when we feel overly responsible and guilty because of a loved one’s struggles. When we feel the misery, guilt, frustration, irritation, and even resentment of being overly responsible for a loved one’s feelings or behaviors, we may seek to relieve our own emotional distress by intervening and rescuing them out of their pain. As humans, we can often have an inherent need to take control of a situation in order to make ourselves feel better. Sometimes we just need to be honest with ourselves and ask the question “who is this helicopter really for? Is it that someone needs rescuing or is it that I have a need to rescue?”

In essence, rescuing can be a means of control rooted out of fear. Many people who rescue others do so because it can help them feel valued, loved, and appreciated. If we have a need for approval, people pleasing, and control, because of our fears of rejection, or of the future and anxiety in general, then staying away from helicopter mode can be pretty challenging! It’s important during these times to remember that God meets all of our needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19). It’s helpful to remember that even though we might feel afraid, anxious, and out of control, God tells us that we can indeed be strong and courageous! We don’t have to jump into the helicopter because His word says to not be afraid or terrified of what others do because He goes with us. We can also know that our self-worth is not reflected in what others do or say because He will never leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6).

A healthier option to rescuing is showing our loved ones respect and dignity by allowing them to make their own decisions in thought, feeling, and action. There is a difference between supporting others in love and rescuing them from life’s natural consequences. Rescuing actually enables our loved ones to learn helplessness, entitlement, dependence, and encourages an inability to make decisions, as well as blaming others for their decisions. If we continue in helicopter “No Boundaries Mode,” we might be taking responsibility for our loved ones’ actions for years to come in addition to sabotaging our self of the most abundant life God has for us.

So, before you get into the helicopter and turn on automatic pilot, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Is this something my loved ones can do themselves?
2. Do I feel resentment at the giving of my time, energy, resources, etc.?
3. Am I confusing loving with rescuing?
4. Am I intervening to make myself feel better? To feel love and appreciation? To avoid rejection?
5. Am I acting out of fear and anxiety?

Not climbing into the helicopter is saying “I will not fear. My self-worth is not determined by your choices. I will trust and respect you to make your own life choices. I will not try to control you by taking those choices away because of my own fears. I will be there with you when you need comforting and I will be there with you to rejoice in your success. I love you for who you are, not for what you do.”

Blessings,

Kathryn Manley, MS, LPC, CST
Individual, Family, and Marriage Counseling
Certified Sex Therapist (AASECT)