Heights: It’s All About the Altitude

By Jessica Stillman

For as long as I can remember, I have had a fear of heights. One vivid memory I have involving fear and heights is from a church trip I took to Buffalo, New York when I was in middle school. We went to a state park and one of the attractions of this park was the hiking trails and lookout points at the top of the cliffs. This park is advertised as the “Grand Canyon of the East”, so you can imagine how high up these lookout points are. Near one, there is a train track bridge that goes between two cliffs several hundred feet above the river. Our youth leaders, my peers, and I all started to walk out onto this bridge to look at the view, take pictures, etc. You can see in the picture, that the bridge consisted of a train track with an iron grate walkway on either side of it, and a hand rail.

As we were walking out to the middle of the bridge, I started thinking about how easy it would be to fall off the side through the railing. I grasped the railing firmly and walked slowly and carefully. I noticed that the gaps between the railroad ties seemed wide enough for a middle-schooler to fall through (or at least it seemed that way to me) and some of my friends were running down the middle of the track on the ties. I slowed down and walked even more carefully as the other kids were running past me, making me even more nervous. Then I heard some of the adults talking, “You know, this is an active train track. If a train comes while we’re up here, I’d either run to the other side or hold on for dear life, because this bridge is going to shake like crazy.” Another of our leaders said, “I wonder if this walkway is even wide enough for us and the train at the same time.” Upon hearing this, I froze with fear. I remember looking at my feet and thinking “move! move your foot!” and nothing happened. I had a tingling sensation in my fingers and toes, I began to sweat, I was sick to my stomach, and I even thought I might pass out. By this time, everyone else was ahead of me and I thought I should ask for help, but I couldn’t get the words out. Thankfully, my friend Bryan turned around and noticed me. He asked if I was alright and said my face was white. When I shook my head ‘no’, he put his arm around my shoulders, and walked me back off the bridge.

That day on the bridge was the most scared I have ever been. Counselors often ask clients to rate their anxiety level or fear level on a scale of 1 to 10. I would definitely call the bridge experience a 10. There have been a lot of other times throughout my life when I’ve been fearful of heights and have avoided doing things other people are doing because of it. Other things that I would generally avoid include ferris wheels, glass elevators, standing too close to railings on the 2nd level or higher of a building, the rooftop attractions at the City Museum, water slides at a water park because of the stairs you stand on in line and the list goes on. Just thinking about situations with heights (like as I am writing this), I will get a tingling sensation in my hands and feet, and my hands will begin to sweat.

Sometimes I can force myself to participate in events involving heights, but in my head I can picture all the things that could go wrong, and I see myself or other people around me falling or plummeting to their death. I have to constantly remind myself that whatever the thing is we are doing (ferris wheel, water park, City Museum, etc,) is used thousands of times everyday by thousands of people, and if it were likely that something would go wrong, it already would have, and they would not be in business any longer.

On many occasions, I have done things to face my fear, such as the Dragon’s Wing at Six Flags, or zip lining in Honduras. However, I was still terrified when I did it and the next time I encountered heights, I would still be just as terrified as before. My goal for the #FaceYourFearsChallenge is to overcome my fear through therapy. One of the Agape counselors is working with me to reach this goal through different relaxation and desensitization techniques. Hopefully, over the next few weeks, I will be posting a video of myself not just facing my fear of heights, but overcoming my fear. See you soon!