Gospel Driven Parenting

By Carolyn Knarr, MSW, LCSW, Director of Children’s Therapeutic Services

In writing about parenting, I often like to begin with the Gospel. Within its words, we find a beautiful love story about a Father who adores His children, just as they are. He shows mercy in place of rules, guidance instead of demands, and acceptance where others expect performance. He gives hope to parents and purpose to our children, for He understands the frustration and futility of earthly children trying to please a Divine Father. He knows that our faith in Him and relationship with Him will bring joy and meaning to our lives, while our own accomplishments will melt away in the face of eternity.

Our goal in parenting cannot be to produce ‘good’ children. Performance denies the need for a Savior. It teaches our children that, if they are good enough, they will be happy. It lures them into believing that feeling fulfilled is up to them.  Try harder, do more, and you will be successful. The story of the prodigal son is a beautiful example of how we cannot obtain satisfaction apart from Christ, for it is not only about a son who chose sin over relationship, but also a son who thought that a life of obedience would lead his father to love him more. His pride and misguided conformity caused him to miss out on the love and freedom that can be found in Christ.

How many parents desperately seek children who are obedient over children whose bad choices bring them to repentance and a deep understanding of their need for God? You may be asking, “Can’t we have both?” Remember that we don’t know what path the Lord has chosen to bring our children to himself. Trusting the Lord and not our own insight is one of the most difficult parts of parenting.

If we truly are Christians, if we really believe that Christ died for our sins and that salvation comes through faith and not works, then our parenting should reflect this. We get fooled into raising children who are successful but not necessarily believers. We think this will bring our children (and us) happiness. We lose eternal perspective in the midst of laundry, chores, and parent-teacher conferences. And we frustrate and misguide our children into thinking that ‘goodness’ comes through their performance and not through God’s grace.

As a family therapist and a Christian, I thought that, if I did everything right, my children would turn out right. I was fooled into thinking that I had that much control. But God chose to give my husband and I two (out of three) very difficult children. I believe now that He wanted me to learn to rely on Him and not myself. He loves me that much. As our parenting journey progressed, it quickly became apparent that neither good parenting nor obedience was going to lead my children to the Lord. They both made destructive choices with significant consequences. I found fear and anger replacing my trust in God. I felt totally out of control and overwhelmed. As I desperately cried out to Him, He kept telling me that His grace was sufficient. It was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that He would fix my children, my way. I wanted them to be like the children next door who earned scholarships and did well in sports. I wanted what all parents want – normal, successful children, who I could be proud of, but God wanted more.

One night as I poured out my tears to God, He again answered me with “My grace is sufficient.” But this time I listened to the rest of that verse, “My grace is sufficient, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” God was telling me that I needed to be weak, to let go of my strangle-hold on control, so that He could use what Satan meant for evil to bring salvation. From that moment on, I began to let go, to accept the path God had put us on, and to trust where it would lead.

Now, ten years later, I have celebrated yet another wonderful Christmas with my children. The one who had been so self-destructive is now flourishing in the love of the Lord. She perseveres through hardship in the knowledge that God is by her side and that He is victorious. God allowed us to go through these challenging years for many reasons. And I am thankful for it. Our faith has been strengthened as we have come to experience the sufficiency of Christ and the freedom that comes in trusting Him and not ourselves.

Parenting is not about “doing it right.” There is no perfect way to parent. Even if there was, it would bring no guarantee of perfect children. A quick glance at Adam and Eve shows that even God, the perfect parent, had children who made terribly wrong choices. It was His discipline, forgiveness, and grace that brought them to repentance. They understood their need for a Savior.

When we respond to our children’s rebellion and shortcomings with, “I understand because I’ve been there, too,” and then point them to Christ as their hope, we are beginning to grasp our role as parents. But when we shame them, tell them that their disobedience and mistakes are unacceptable, and hold the Bible over their heads as a tool for manipulation, we push them away not only from ourselves, but from God. They will sense our anger and frustration and their hearts will turn cold.

Do we have to have good children to feel good about ourselves? Or is our worth found in Christ, and Christ alone?  Is our hope for our children wrapped up in how well they respond to our commands, or do we trust that their failings will lead them to the Father’s grace? Do we want, and need, obedient children for our own convenience? They are certainly easier to parent! But let’s not so quickly forget that they are but tiny ones with little or no experience, insight, or self-control. They are relying on us to learn.

Recently in church, our preacher talked about God’s role as a powerful military leader. He plots his strategy and tirelessly goes to battle for us. We don’t know what strategy He will use to bring our children to Himself, but we can help our children by pointing them to the One who is fighting for them. When our children repeatedly make mistakes, we have to believe that God is at work within them, “both to will and to do for His good pleasure.” (Philippians 2:13). He will use all things to show them their need for a Savior and, in the process, show us our own need, too.

 

About the Author:

Carolyn Knarr earned her Master’s Degree from Washington University, and has been counseling for over 20 years. She is a member of the National Association of Social Workers, and is a licensed clinical social worker.

Carolyn has a strong background in working with children and adolescents with ADHD, attachment disorder, trauma, bipolar disorder, and Asperger’s. She works closely with their families to help them with the emotional and behavioral aspects of these disorders. She utilizes play therapy, family therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy, and is qualified to do psychological assessments with children. Carolyn also sees adult clients, couples, and families.

Through counseling, Carolyn helps her clients look at past and present relationship issues, communication patterns, and the potential for healing and growth.