Funny, Funny, Funny, What Money Can Do

There is an old Dean Martin song describing the love-hate relationship people have with money. While it’s “Funny What Money Can Do,” it’s certainly not humorous when it comes to the effect it can have on marriage. We have addressed in previous articles how couples and families go through periods of change that can cause stress in their relationships. During this holiday season, I thought it would be important to address a potentially tinsel covered “elephant in the room.” Money. Financial stress is one of the most common causes of marital conflicts, and yet a topic that is often taboo for couples. The holiday season can certainly put an extra strain on a couples’ finances and further damage a marriage if the relationship is already hurting.

Many couples are well aware that the Christmas season can bring unwelcomed anxiety due to finances. According to Dave Ramsey, founder of Financial Peace University, the number one cause of divorce in this country has to do with “money fights or money problems.” In 2013, this was confirmed in a study from Kansas State University.  In addition, a recent survey commissioned by American Express revealed that financial anxiety is the leading source of stress in married couples.

For you math and stats geeks out there, here are some numbers for you to think about. According to a 2014 National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE) / Harris consumer poll:

• 61% of couples say discussions about household finances lead to arguments
• 50% of couples say the financial habits of their partner drive them crazy

AND

• 75% of couples have financial secrets they’ve kept from their partner

This last statistic is potentially the most damaging of financial behaviors to couples. Given the intensity, duration and frequency, this behavior is often referred to as “financial infidelity.”   “Financial infidelity” – when one partner lies about finances to the other – can be just as damaging as emotional/sexual infidelity, according to NEFE.

Bad money habits and communication can cause anger, hurt, resentment and bitterness. Unresolved conflict can result in lack of trust, power struggles, lack of freedom, control, fear of vulnerability, and lack of safety which can mirror itself in the bedroom. Mismanagement of money is directly related to mismanagement of anger, which is a common barrier to intimacy in any relationship.

Nothing says “I’m not in the mood,” more than a threatening conversation over money. For women and men both, this can drain sexual desire. Many couples have heard me say that a woman’s number one need is for safety and security. If she feels she’s not on the same financial team with her husband, emotional or physical vulnerability can seem overwhelming and diminish her sense of safety and security. The husband’s dynamic to this is that he may feel inadequate, insecure and have fears of failure. Translate these emotions to emotional and physical intimacy, and the husband might avoid contact with his wife because of his own anxiety and insecurities. Both want to protect themselves.

If there is growing financial resentment in marriage, then insecurity and paranoia increases. It’s easy and natural to make comparisons to other marriages, whether it’s couples you know or celebrities on TV. Insecurity leads a person to try to predict the future, to try to read their spouse’s mind, to filter events to the negative and, as a result, to be driven by fear in their thoughts and feelings. This is why finances  have such profound effects on marriage. It fuels division.  If a couple is not in agreement about money, it can become a power struggle. One person can end up in a position of power and the other can end up feeling very exposed and out of control. This can make emotional and physical intimacy challenging to navigate.

During this Christmas season, if your marriage has been struggling due to finances, if there has been resentment, hurt, and anger, my prayer is that you might have compassion and understanding for one another. This will allow for safety and trust to build so that you can be on the same team, and enjoy this Christmas season. During those times when you might feel divided, please do not let it last for long. Satan’s goal is to divide families.  If you need help getting on the same page, an excellent  resource is William Harley’s Policy of Joint Agreement.

If you should need financial and couples’ counseling, please consider calling Agape Christian Counseling Services as a resource. Remember: God has the most amazing plan for you.

 

Merry Christmas!

 

 

Kathryn Manley, MS, LPC, CST
Individual, Family, and Marriage Counseling
Certified Sex Therapist (AASECT)