Filling Up The Nest: Life and Sex After Pregnancy for Dad

 

Thomas expressed his fears, confusion and frustration in being a parent:

Kathy, having the baby has brought so much change to our lives. How do I know I’ll be a good dad? We never used to argue very much and now I find we get into power struggles about the baby. I’m responsible for another human being. Will I be able to afford a family and be a good provider? We fight about finances, too. Mine and Claire’s relationship isn’t what it used to be. I’m confused about the feelings I have toward her body. On the one hand, I often find her voluptuous body tempting, but sometimes I view her breasts as a food supply for the baby. And I certainly don’t want her to become pregnant again! I’m sexually frustrated and find myself resentful, shutting down, not wanting, or willing to meet her emotional needs. I feel selfish. I know she is taking care of the baby, but I feel like I’ve taken a back seat.

What’s Normal?

Meet Thomas (not his real name), Claire’s husband from 1st edition newsletter (click here to read her story). If you recall, Claire had spoken of transition to motherhood, resentment toward her husband,  and guilt for not meeting his sexual needs.  Having a baby can be viewed as a joyous, fairytale event. For many couples, the transition to parenthood is a time of great possibility and hope. However, research done by the Dr. John Gottmann “Bringing Baby Home” program indicates that over 60 percent of new parents indicate a decline in marital satisfaction over the first three years. While transitioning to parenthood does bring dreams, possibilities and hope, filling that nest can also bring anxiety, insecurities and fear.  We know from research (and from our own life experience!) that becoming parents can increase stresses and strains, alter values, change goals, shift roles, diminish communication, and increase hostility.

Good news nest fillers! Nest fillers and empty nesters have much in common. As discussed in our September issue, all of these changes are perfectly normal. , Even if change is welcome, change is still change, and that can be tough. Just as with the empty nesters, filling the nest can be confusing and messy.

When a couple has  a baby, it changes nearly every aspect of their  lives: emotionally, psychologically, relationally, socially, financially, logistically, spiritually, and, for the mother, physically. As mentioned in  our last issue, any life transition can bring about a broad range of ambivalent emotions. That was surely the experience of Thomas and Claire. Couples can have mixed feelings regarding gender roles, day-to-day life, redefining their marriage, fears, uncertainties, challenges, in addition to their own identities .

Much of society pays attention to the mother, but let’s not forget about the dads! A baby can stir up surprising feelings for the new father. Sometimes new dads get jealous because the baby takes up so much of mom’s time. Dad may feel like a third wheel, or maybe he’s jealous that he doesn’t get to spend as much time with the baby or do as much of the parenting. These feelings are completely normal when the structure of a family changes so drastically. Both moms and dads face similar issues when becoming new parents, but, as a rule, dads tend to focus more on providing for the family. The stress of increased financial-related responsibilities can create its own unique  kind of anxiety which men don’t often know how to articulate to their wives. Let’s remember that dads get tired, too. Extreme fatigue from sleep deprivation is typical when a tiny human being enters the family system. Many men delay having sex again due to fear of both pregnancy and of hurting their wives. In addition, many husbands feel confused about their feelings of attraction toward their wives due to their newly added roles in life. Some husbands, who participated in the process of labor and delivery, struggle with seeing their wives both as sexual partners  and mothers. Many fathers have expressed concerns of causing their wives pain during intercourse.  These are  normal thoughts and emotions. Compound this with fatigue, differences and struggle with libido, fears and poor communication, and it’s a recipe for growing frustration, but one which can be overcome. Sometimes dads feel they don’t have the right to express their fatigue and/or sexual needs and a win/lose  dynamic begins to develop in the relationship  such that each partner is out to protect him/herself.

The goal is to have compassion for one another and mutual understanding of one another’s experiences. If you feel you and your partner are avoiding intimacy due to fears, pain, resentment, frustration and the like, please speak to your healthcare provider and seek professional sex therapy.

Tips for Dad

• Acknowledge and care for your wife’s needs. You also have needs. Express them.
• Have open communication.
• Conflict is inevitable and OK. Resolution to conflict is the goal.
• Be playful.
• Be free to participate in activities alone or with other friends. Encourage your wife to do the same.
• Have each partner take responsibility for  his/her own behavior, what  each thinks and how  each feels.
• Use humor to cope with mistakes and conflict.
• Make intimacy a priority. Build an intimacy repertoire. Intercourse is only one aspect of sex. Needs can be met in many varieties. Let your wife know she is attractive to you. She is probably dealing with many insecurities of her own.
• Be mutually understanding of one another’s position.
• Care about your wife. Praise her. Tell her the truth. Trust her.
• If you notice your wife has signs of depression, encourage her to get help.
• If you notice your wife has excessive fear of intercourse or prolonged vaginal pain or dryness, encourage her to get help.
• If you notice you are avoiding sex and isolating, please seek help.

A growing number of mental health professionals are advising couples to undergo pre-baby counseling, such as the Dr. Gottman Bringing Baby Home Program. As with pre-marital counseling, this is an advisable  proactive approach to help navigate the transition to parenthood. Pre-baby counseling can be found through local hospitals programs or individually through a licensed mental health professional.

Blessings,

 

 

Kathryn Manley, MS, LPC, CST
Individual, Family, and Marriage Counseling
Certified Sex Therapist (AASECT)