Empty Nest: Ambivalent Emotions

This summer I watched a mommy bird build a nest in our back yard. Never before had I witnessed such a cycle of nature. This mommy bird was very nurturing and protective. Every day she sat on her little eggs with a watchful eye. When her babies hatched, she was faithful to care for them. She guarded them, she nourished them and she taught them. Then, as is God’s design, one day the nest was empty.

Empty Nest and Mixed Emotions

Like the mommy bird, as parents, we are nurturing and protective. We care for our babies, we guard them, we tend to their basic needs, and we do our best to meet their emotional and spiritual needs, knowing that the day will come when they will be out in the world on their own. When that day arrives, it is common for parents to have mixed emotions.

Mothers, especially, might find themselves feeling very sad or even depressed. Emotions of grief and loneliness can be overwhelming. It can also bring about feelings of guilt and confusion, because a parent will also feel excitement for their child and be thankful of the educational, vocational, and life opportunities to come. A parent can experience both pleasure that their child is beginning their adult life, and also, a sense of panic that the child is away from home.

Changes within the family system create a desire to resume a sense of normalcy. As an adult child leaves the home, often times, parents might find themselves feeling detached from meaningful relationships. This is usually in an effort to avoid anxiety, grief, and loneliness. Parents might find themselves sending family and friends mixed messages by pushing people away while also trying to pull them closer. This can often result in feelings of shame, keeping parents from verbalizing their emotions, and therefore, feeling “stuck.”  As the family system changes, parents might find that they are not living life abundantly.

Change

For many readers, this summer could be the preparation of a major life change – the empty nest. When children are leaving home, it is a time of transition.  Any life transition can bring about a broad range of ambivalent emotions. So, good news, empty nesters! It’s normal for contradictory emotions to accompany change.  Even if change is welcome, change is still change, and that can be tough.

It can be very confusing and messy to sort through the numerous reactions during this transition in life. Mixed feelings about children leaving, role changes, day-to-day life, redefining marriage, new freedoms, new fears, uncertainties, challenges, possibilities, and self-identity are all a natural part of being human. Resolution of mixed emotions during change through personal growth is what propels us forward in life with strength. It’s true that being honest with all of our thoughts and feelings, rather than dismissing them, can be a challenge. As human beings, we are adaptable to change and so are continuously resolving ambivalent emotions. The process of adjusting to an empty nest is the same.

The nature of ambivalent emotions is that they help to resolve internal conflicts that might keep us from personal growth.

What if I Feel Stuck?

Perhaps you are preparing for a child to leave your home, or have been struggling with the transition of empty nest. Are you living with a chronic pattern of ambivalence and anxiety, which is keeping you from moving forward, expressing how you feel, connecting with others, and being “fully present” in life? Feeling stuck is normal in the change process, as well. I would encourage you to find empathy and compassion through a safe person or group. Church small groups, support groups, and individual counselors, such as those at Agape Christian Counseling Services, are great ways to start. Sharing your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or criticism allows space for grieving and moving toward acceptance, growth, excitement, hope, and joy.

Blessings,

Kathryn Manley, MS, LPC, CST
Individual, Family, and Marriage Counseling
Certified Sex Therapist (AASECT)