Empathy: The Connection Tool for Your Relationship Toolbox

In previous articles, we have discussed some tools that help strengthen relationships.  Some of these topics have included tools for gaining a stronger sense of self, tools for confrontation and using your voice, tools for getting free of relationship gridlock, as well as tools for understanding the neurochemistry of the brain in committed relationships. Sometimes applying the tools to improve our relationships can be challenging. If you struggle with putting your relationship tools into action with your loved ones, try adding empathy to your relationship toolbox!

So what is empathy anyway?

Webster’s Dictionary defines empathy as “the feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions: the ability to share someone else’s feelings.”

Psychologist, author, and researcher Brené Brown describes empathy as the “driving connection” in relationships.

Noted psychologist and author Daniel Goleman, describes empathy as having an awareness of the emotions and feelings of others. In his 1995 book, Emotional Intelligence, Dr. Goleman describes how empathy is a key element in relationships. Dr. Goleman describes empathy as essential element to being an emotionally intelligent person because it is a link between ourselves and others. When we empathize with another, we are feeling with that person, through the use of our own imagination, as though we were experiencing their emotion ourselves.

Yet another key researcher on the subject of empathy, Dr. John Gottman, founder of The Gottman Institute, describes empathy as “the key to attunement” with your spouse. Empathy is described by Dr. Gottman as “mirroring a partner’s feelings in a way that lets them know their feelings are understood and shared.”

The Bible is also filled with scriptures that instruct us to be empathetic towards others!

Although it’s clear both the Bible and the research has shown that being empathetic toward one another is a key element to building trust and respect, it’s not always easy an easy thing to do! Empathy provides the safety for our loved one to share their thoughts and feelings. Whether our loved one is three or thirty, they want to feel valued, respected, and heard. Empathy builds a foundation for problem solving, conflict resolution and collaborative negotiation. Empathy builds connection. So how can we improve this essential life skill of empathy?

Three Ways to Become More Empathic in Our Relationships

1. Learn How to Listen

Tune in to your partner’s non verbals, their facial expressions and gestures. Listen to more than their words. Often times there can be an incongruity between what is said and what is shown. Listen to the subtext of what your loved one is saying and reflect back what you heard so that they feel understood.

2. Change Your Posture

Look through the lens of your partner’s perspective. God gave us the gift of our imagination, and this is a great place to use it! Use your imagination to vicariously feel what your loved one is feeling.

3. Be Accepting

A judgement and criticism free zone goes a long way. Being vulnerable in relationships is risky business. Having an accepting stance increases an environment of safety for vulnerability. In other words, listen, but don’t lecture.

Because our brains can always grow, because our minds are being renewed into Christ’s likeness, it’s never too late to improve the relationship tool of empathy. My prayer is that our relationships will become stronger through using all the tools in our relationship toolbox. Let’s be like Christ and show empathy to one another.

Blessings,

Kathryn Manley, MS, LPC, CST
Individual, Family, and Marriage Counseling
Certified Sex Therapist (AASECT)