Ch Ch Ch Changes
by Darrell Provinse, MA, LPC, NCC, Director and CEO
Change is inevitable. Life demands change. To not change is to be static, to be static is to be stagnant, and to stagnate is death. Life, by definition, is dynamic and requires that we adapt and grow. To adapt, is to fail in order to thrive. This does not mean that change is easy, or even that it is welcome. Most, if not all, of us have a drive for comfort, and change frequently pushes us out of our comfort zone. As the song says, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end;” therefore, even positive changes may elicit in us a sense of loss or disequilibrium. This time of year is frequently a season of change; kids change schools, or graduate, people sell and buy houses and relocate, people begin careers, having achieved their degrees, people get married, etc. Although we may not see those changes as bad per se, we may be surprised and even embarrassed or overwhelmed, at our emotional response. It is not at all uncommon that we would experience a sense of grief.
Even if the change itself is one that we rationally believe is necessary or even beneficial, a grief response, or feeling of being overwhelmed and sometimes even depression, is not uncommon or abnormal. Grief itself is a mechanism by which we try to wrap our minds around change or perceive loss. The goal of grief, ultimately, should be acceptance. If we do not have that goal clearly in view, we can sometimes get stuck in our depression or resistance to whatever change is occurring or has occurred. Many have known throughout the ages, and more recently research and literature have confirmed, that it is not the stress of change that is detrimental, but far more, how we respond to the change and its concomitant stress. If we perceive the stress as being a crisis, then the change and its accompanying stress will be far more devastating and it will take much longer for us to adjust. If our goal, on the other hand, is to come, not only to a place of acceptance, but to one of embracing that the change has the potential for benefit and blessing, then we can not only experience it in a healthy way, but more quickly get to a place of exhilaration and celebration.
Some changes are a little easier to embrace. Getting into the college or grad school that we wanted, getting married, or getting our dream job may be a little easier to celebrate than other changes we encounter. With some changes, such as the loss of a loved one, a break up, the loss of a job or a business, etc. it is often harder to find the blessing, at least initially. We probably know many stories of people who experienced what they thought was the worst day of their lives that actually turned out to be the gateway to a radical, positive change in their outlook and life’s quality — whether that was the beginning of a far healthier relationship, finding a job that was even more what they desired, or finding their life’s call, rather than being stuck in a position that was just okay. Although we may know those things intellectually, we also know that to the extent we have a feeling or perception of control over the change, we are better able to accommodate for it. When things appear to be inevitable, or out of our control, however, whether the change is something that we perceive as being negative or we perceive as being positive, the goal of coming to a place of acceptance and adaptation is necessarily the same. To refuse to accept what we cannot change causes us additional distress, but does not improve any aspect or element of the situation. This is not to be confused with approving painful elements or pretending that a loss has not occurred. In fact, whether the change is perceived as good or bad, the loss necessarily must be confronted and processed in order to completely accept and adapt.
The steps, therefore, for accommodating the changes that necessarily occur in our lives and learning to thrive, are pretty consistently uniform.
Step #1 Acknowledgement –
This means acknowledging, not only that there is change, but that the change is necessary, that often there are elements which are completely outside of our control, and that with every change, there is necessarily some element of loss. Inherent then, in the acknowledgement, is allowing one’s self to grieve. Traditionally, it has been conceptualized that there are five stages of grief. In fact, in almost every circumstance, there are considerably more than five elements of grief, and they are not necessarily discrete stages. Among the emotional responses that we may have to a grief situation may be denial, numbness, avoidance, blaming, anger, frustration, sadness, feeling betrayed, abandoned, questioning, bargaining, feeling confused, overwhelmed, guilty, and, depending on the circumstance, there can be many, many more. The ultimate goal of grief, though, is to come to a place of acceptance.
Step #2 Radical Acceptance –
Ideally, in order to best move forward, we need to come to a place of radical acceptance. That doesn’t mean that we do it quickly, or that we just move past it, but it means that in allowing ourselves to process all of the feelings and cognitions associated with the experienced loss, we get to a place finally of recognizing and accepting that which we cannot change. For the Christian, we end up deferring to God’s sovereignty and His plan, and the fact that there is more to the story. We recognize that there is a divine Author who is in control and promises to make all things work together for good to them that know and love Him and are called according to His purpose. When we trust that what we have no control over, God does, and recognize that to resist what has occurred does not necessarily change it, we finally come to the place of rest of and of truly radical acceptance.
Step #3 Adjustment and Adaptation –
In view of the loss and the concomitant changes, we then actively and intentionally look at the things on which we can have an effect, those things that we necessarily must do, whether they are mental, emotional, relational, or otherwise, in order to best adjust and accommodate for the change we are experiencing.
Step #4 Embrace –
The final step is to look for the blessing or benefit in whatever has happened and recognize that the reason that we are experiencing the change is because we are, in fact, still alive and growing and that every change has the potential to bring with it some form of growth or benefit heretofore unrealized.
If we are intentional in working through these steps, change does not have to derail or overwhelm us, and we can greet our new circumstances with enthusiasm.
About the Author
Darrell Provinse, LPC, is the Executive Director and CEO at Agape Christian Counseling Services. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Missouri. He is certified in Gestalt Therapy as well as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and extensively trained in Logo Therapy and in family systems. Click on the picture to the left to read his complete bio.
