Technology & Your Kids: How to Set Appropriate Boundaries

by Carolyn Knarr, MSW, LCSW, Director of Children’s Therapeutic Services

Technology is a reality which is not going to go away. It’s imperative to teach children to make good decisions about technology, limit the frequency of its usage, and keep access to appropriate and safe content.

If parents see technology as the enemy, they will set themselves up for years of frustration and struggle with their children. Rather than viewing it as the devil incarnate, parents need to team up with their children and allow them to enjoy the benefits of technology without allowing it to take over their child’s life. Often the fear of technology comes from a parent’s lack of knowledge. It’s hard to keep up with new lingo associated with social media technology like Instagram, Twitter, hashtags, etc. Let your child teach you. They often love being the expert!

It’s a good idea to limit the amount of time your children are allowed to use technology. This usually means to limit usage before school when they are getting ready, and after school until homework and chores are completed. It is also best not to let younger children play video games shortly before bedtime. They are very stimulating to the brain and make it harder for your child to settle down and be ready for sleep.

Think about what your child is missing when they are spending time playing video games. Many children nowadays don’t spend time playing with toys. This is a big mistake, as non-technological play has several advantages; it increases fine and gross motor skills, improves verbal skills, and encourages imaginative creativity (unlike video games, in which “creativity” is predetermined), to name a few. (See article “Healthy Play Time for Developing Kids”)

Don’t allow technology to detract from family time. If you find your child is spending more time playing video games than interacting with others, then they are probably playing too much. Family time takes effort, but it is well worth it and very important for a child’s development.

Don’t be naïve about video game content. Even slightly violent games which are played over and over have significant effects on brain development. One of the most well-known facts in behavioral psychology is that brain connections are made through repetition and reinforcement, which is  the hallmark of video games. The effect of video game violence in kids is worsened by the games’ interactive nature.  In many games, kids are rewarded for being more violent. The act of violence is  performed repeatedly. The child is in control of the violence and experiences the violence in his own eyes (killing, kicking, stabbing, and shooting).  Studies have also linked video game playing to poor impulse control.

Above all else, think about the values contained in video games. Are they values that you want your child to have? The vast majority of video games probably do not.

Guidelines for Safe Usage of Technology:

1. Before giving your child a cell phone, tablet, computer or other access to technology, sit down with them and discuss the guidelines, eliciting their input. You may be surprised at how good their ideas are. And they are more likely to be on board with rules if they help create them. Talk with them about the issues below.
2. Make sure all technology has good parental controls which cannot be interfered with by technologically savvy children. It is unbelievable to me how many parents give their children access to the internet without any controls. Even children raised with very good values are extremely curious and can access inappropriate content with a click of the mouse. Once these images are seen, they are permanently etched onto their memory. The pornography of today is much more graphic and perverted than what was available when we were young. Internet safety software, like Net Nanny (about $50), can be helpful in blocking websites and looking for and blocking explicit pictures; it is also capable of blocking instant messages. Free programs are also available.
3. Discuss pornography and its effects with your children before they are teenagers. Children have easy access to porn via their friends’ devices, which may not have any parental controls. Help them come up with ways they can turn away from temptation without feeling uncomfortable.
4. Become familiar with viewing the internet history of your computer and maintain access to email accounts. Then review them regularly. Make it clear that you have access to anything on the computer or other devices and can review the history at any time. If children insist on privacy, remind them that it is your job to keep them safe, and it is not a matter of trust, rather it is a matter of protection and love. Don’t be led to believe that children have “rights” which inhibit you from doing your job.
5. Become familiar with the latest ways of communicating online, such as Twitter, instant messaging, Snapchat, and others. Don’t allow your child to be more computer savvy than you are. Stay up to date.
6. Teach your child that if anything makes him/her uncomfortable, the best thing to do is not to respond and to get off the computer. Research shows that less than 5% of children who get a message that makes them feel uncomfortable tell their parents. This is probably because children fear they will lose computer privileges. Make sure your children know that they should never agree to a face-to-face meeting with anyone that they have met online. Make it a rule that your children know their friends in real life, as well as those they instant message.
7. The only person who should add people to a child’s instant message list is the parent. Tell your children never to give their last name, city or town they live in, the school they attend, or any other information that a predator could use to locate your child.

8. Never allow your child to make a purchase online. They can inadvertently disclose personal financial information.

And So….

If you know you need to make changes, start by thinking about one thing you need to do differently. Perhaps it is cutting out technology after dinner and making it more of a family time. Perhaps your teen is on the phone 24/7 and the phone needs a rest at certain times during the day. Once we have given our children a little too much freedom with their technology, it’s hard to tighten the reigns. It is, however, well worth the first week of whining and complaining. Make one new rule. Communicate it clearly and lovingly. Listen to their complaints compassionately, then hold tight and don’t give in. After weeks or months of your frustration with their iPhones, video games and iPads, etc., it is not unreasonable that it is their turn to feel the heat. That may mean you’re doing your job!

About the Author:

Carolyn Knarr earned her Master’s Degree from Washington University, and has been counseling for over 20 years. She is a member of the National Association of Social Workers, and is a licensed clinical social worker.

Carolyn has a strong background in working with children and adolescents with ADHD, attachment disorder, trauma, bipolar disorder, and Asperger’s. She works closely with their families to help them with the emotional and behavioral aspects of these disorders. She utilizes play therapy, family therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy, and is qualified to do psychological assessments with children. Carolyn also sees adult clients, couples, and families.

Through counseling, Carolyn helps her clients look at past and present relationship issues, communication patterns, and the potential for healing and growth.