Restoring Your Child By Giving A Behavioral “Re-do”

By  Shelley Kues, MEd, LPC, Child Therapist

Peter denied Jesus three times on that awful night.  Peter had every intention  of doing “the right thing” earlier that evening when Jesus had predicted that  Peter would disown him. Peter couldn’t imagine the events that would follow.

Just like Peter, our children have good intentions to do what is right.  It is my belief that our children will do well if they can.  Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, writes that, when the demands or expectations being placed upon a child exceed the skills that they have to respond adaptively, they will respond in maladaptive ways (Greene, 2014).  Dr. Greene writes in his book and on his website, www.livesinthebalanceorg, about the children who respond in maladaptive ways as having lagging skills.  It is our job as parents, caretakers, counselors and teachers to identify the skills which are lagging and help our children to learn those skills so that they can be restored.

In the book of John, chapter 21, Jesus restores Peter by asking Peter three times if he loves him.  Peter denied Jesus three times, and Jesus gives Peter the opportunity for restoration three times by declaring his love for Him. Like Peter, our children need opportunities for restoration that can be done in the form of a behavioral “re-do.” Giving children “re-dos” helps them to learn expected behavior and gives them the opportunity for success in areas in which  they have failed.  With a behavioral “re-do,” parents are immediately retraining their child to do the behavior that they desire. If a child is unkind to his or her sibling, a parent can return to the ‘scene of the crime’ and have a “re-do”, teaching the child the correct way to interact with his or her sibling.

Motor memory has been identified in research as being more effective than any cognitive-based training in the  training of younger children .  Tapping into motor memory enhances subsequent comprehension and recall for older children. (Purvis, 2007)  Re-dos use this principle of motor memory by physically going back to the place where the offense happened and  behaving in a way that is desired.  Restoration is possible because the child actually does what is expected which  produces instant success in that skill.  Parents will praise the desired behavior and the undesirable behavior is put behind , the slate wiped clean.

To effectively discipline, be sure to do the following:

• Respond quickly
• Clarify expectations
• Offer simple choices
• Present consequences
• Give immediate retraining and the opportunity to “re-do”
• Practice, practice, practice
• Keep your child near you
• Offer praise for success. (Purvis, 2007)

Parents who are discouraged with their child’s behavior often will view themselves in a negative light along with their child. At times, they may feel hopeless or as if they are a failure. Not to worry, because parents can have “re-dos” too. Start to look at misbehavior as an opportunity for skills training. By training and re-training in a nurturing way, parents are investing in the emotional banks of their children, which will go a long way in maintaining positive relationships with their children and helping  them to be the best they can be.

Works Cited

Greene, R. (2014, August 20). Collaborative & Proactive Solutions: The Next Generation of

Solving Problems Collaboratively. Retrieved August 20, 2014, from www.livesinthebalance.org:http://livesinthebalance.org/sites/default/tiles/One%20Page%20CPS%2011-12-12.pdf

Purvis, K.C. (2007). The Connected Child. New York. McGraw Hill.

About the Author

Shelley Kues uses play therapy in her counseling of children, adolescents and families from the Manchester and St. Charles locations. She is a Certified AUTPlay Provider and Attachment-Based Intervention Specialist. Shelley expects to be credentialed with the Association for Play Therapy (http://www.a4pt.org) as a Registered Play Therapist and Registered Play Therapy Supervisor in November, 2014.  Shelley will be attending Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Professional training in September at Texas Christian University sponsored by Showhope and Focus on the Family.