Ten Unhelpful Marital and Relationship Thought Patterns

It’s natural to interpret what is happening around us.  As humans, we are continually interpreting our past, our present and our future as well as our relationships with others, our relationship with ourselves and our relationship with God. Many times the interpretation of circumstances in our lives is accurate, but sometimes it can be distorted due to fears of rejection, abandonment, failure, need for control, approval or perfectionism.  The way we feel, therefore, can interfere with how we think. Below is a list of some ways couples might struggle with distorted thoughts and communication patterns in their relationship.

Ten Unhelpful Marital and Relationship Thought Patterns:

1. Filtering. We magnify the negative details in our spouse and filter out the positives in a situation by only focusing on the negative.
2. Biased Social Rejection. We focus on signs that our spouse is not interested in us more than what is actually true. Example: Our spouse yawns or walks out of the room, and we assume  he/she is bored with us and doesn’t want to be around us.
3. All-or-Nothing Thinking. We go to black and white extremes by using words such as “always,” and “never,” which can make one person seem like the enemy or a victim. Enemy example: “If you aren’t acting as if you love me, then you must hate me,” “You never listen…” Victim example: “I’m always messing things up for you….,” “I’ll never treat you right….”
4. Mind-Reading. We guess and assume what our spouse is thinking and then believe it to be true without actual evidence. Or, we expect them to know what we are thinking.  “You did that on purpose,” “You don’t really love me,” “You’re only saying that because…” “You think that______,” “After 20 years of marriage, I shouldn’t have to tell you how I feel…”
5. Overgeneralization. We make a hasty generalized conclusion based on a single event or piece of evidence. Example: If something bad happens, we assume it will happen again, and again, and again.
6. Personalization. We believe that what others do or what our spouse does or says is something personal. We believe unpleasant external events are our spouse’s responsibility when there is no evidence of it. We can also get into “compare and despair” mode, comparing our marriage to other marriages and then feeling sorry for ourselves.
7. Always Being Right. In the midst of an argument, the thought of our spouse being right is unthinkable, so our own stubbornness prevails. If we engage in this distortion, being right becomes more important than the feelings of our spouse.
8. Blaming. We believe that our spouse alone is responsible for our marriage difficulties and don’t take ownership for our own contribution.  “It’s all your fault…”, “You make me feel….,” If you were only more______, I would be happy.”  Along with this distortion is the fallacy of change. We believe that if our spouse changes, we will be happy. We believe and expect that if we pressure our spouse enough,  he/she will change.
9. Emotional Reasoning. Since we feel something , we assume it to be true. Example: “I feel like a bad husband/wife, so therefore I must be one.”
10. ‘Should’s and ‘Must’s. ‘Should’s and ‘Must’s are extreme standards that leave no room for being human. In a marriage, it can set up unrealistic expectations. If our spouse doesn’t meet those expectations, it can result in frustration, resentment and anger.

It’s part of our human nature to be challenged with unhelpful, distorted thoughts so getting out of that frame of mind can be difficult.  The Bible says that “life and death is in the power of the tongue” Proverbs 18:21, and that we are to “cast down imagination and every high thing that is exalted against the knowledge of God, and bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” Let’s face it. Unhealthy thinking habits are hard to break!

Next month, we will explore how God helps us through His Word to transform our minds and our relationships by telling ourselves the truth about His character, His love for us, and His word.

If you have favorite scriptures to challenge unhelpful, distorted thinking, please post them on our Facebook page!

Blessings,

Kathryn Manley, MS, LPC, CST
Individual, Family, and Marriage Counseling
Certified Sex Therapist (AASECT)

Some Good Reads:

• Backus, William (1982). Telling Yourself The Truth. Bethany House Publishers
• Burns, David. (2008). Feeling good Together. New York: Broadway Books
• Burns, David (2002). Fifty Ways to Untwist Your Thinking. Alexandra: Time-Life Inc.
• Lloyd-Jones, D. Martyn. (1965). Spiritual Depression-It’s Causes and Cures. Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company